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Just crap.

Sometimes, I say things better when I've written them down so I'm just going to use my blog as an emotional dumping ground for just a moment.

First of all, I need to start off by saying that I have some anger management issues. I tend to get bitchy, nasty and childish when I'm upset. Being angry is a much easier emotion for me to deal with when sadness or hurt because I feel less weak.

Probably not many of you know what it might feel like to sit around with a group of people, whether organically or in a Skype chat, that are young college students. Meanwhile...you're the eldest of the group by quite a few years and you've never done more than walk onto a college campus. What does it feel like you might ask? It's embarrassing to say the least. It's embarrassing to know that you've not done more with your life or that you've made bad choices which led to your uneducation. Of course, this is no one's fault but my own but that doesn't make things any easier. So once in awhile when something comes up in conversation and a person says to you "Well I know it because I've studied it" and they don't bother to let you even speak your piece...that's hurtful. To me, that feels like I've been shut down or that my thoughts are invalid or even as though I have less credibility in the department of intelligence because of that. So that's part of the reason why something like that hurts me.

The other part if that is because I spent three years in a relationship where I was made to feel stupid. Where I was always told I was wrong, didn't know what I was talking about or just generally an idiot. The last thing that I want from a friend is to feel that way as well. Perhaps, I'm being oversensitive but I can't help the way I feel. Human emotion is a tricky thing and often unpredictable.

I'm struggling. I don't often convey what's going on in my life because I see all the posts about eating disorders, self harm and sexual assault and I sit back and think "Well wow...what business do I even have being upset with my life?" That's not to say that I haven't had my fair share of ups and downs. I spent three years watching my mother kill herself with drugs, I was homeless for two weeks as a result until my best friend and her family took me in and my brother and father were in Michigan. I had the option to move back home to Michigan but I didn't because I couldn't leave my mom alone. I was a self-harmer from 15 to 19 when a moment of clarity came. A friend found me with a razor blade and she tried to take it from me. This resulted in her getting hurt. That's when I decided that I didn't want to live my life so miserably anymore. It's still a daily struggle with my depression and it will be a lifelong thing. However, I'm very good at keeping things to myself and dealing with them on my own. I think this might be the reason that when I do have a shitty day and occasionally explode, it throws people for a loop.

This is not me acting childish. This is me not knowing how to deal with my hurt and dealing with such in the only way I know how. Anger.

I've been on the down and out for days. The holiday season draws near and my son's birthday is on the 19th. Just six days before Christmas. We have a birthday party planned for him and I've not prepared a single thing or bought him a single gift for either event. Why? Because I can't afford it. It's just me raising him and I get no child support or government funding. I have to rely on my parents to make his birthday and Christmas special and that is a fucking terrible feeling. An absolute terrible feeling to know that I can't do this for him as his mother. I know he's only two but it doesn't make his difference. I'm his mom and I can't even buy him a damn gift.

This is where a college education would have come in handy. Where I fucked up. If I would have paid more attention in school, gone to college instead of fucking off I would have a career and be able to give him everything he wanted. By all means, I should have been well into a career by now but I made bad choices. I always seem to make bad choices and I feel like a failure every damn day. I look at my baby and feel like I've failed him. That one day he's going to ask about his father and I'm going to have to tell him that he wanted nothing to do with him. That I can't get him the toy four-wheeler because I've had very little hours at work and Mimi and Papa had to get it for him.

I can't reiterate how awful it feels.

So yeah, sometimes I need a little bit of sympathy despite what I've projected. And yeah...sometimes I'm going to explode and stomp off but it's not because I'm being childish. It's because I'm angry.

And I'm sorry. I never meant to upset you and you've every right to be proud. I'm an asshole.

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